I Believed I Was a Gay Woman - David Bowie Helped Me Realize the Truth

Back in 2011, a couple of years ahead of the celebrated David Bowie display launched at the famous Victoria and Albert Museum in the UK capital, I came out as a homosexual woman. Previously, I had solely pursued relationships with men, with one partner I had entered matrimony with. By 2013, I found myself in my early 40s, a newly single caregiver to four kids, making my home in the US.

Throughout this phase, I had started questioning both my gender identity and sexual orientation, seeking out answers.

My birthplace was England during the dawn of the seventies era - prior to digital connectivity. As teenagers, my peers and I were without Reddit or video sharing sites to turn to when we had curiosities about intimacy; instead, we turned toward pop stars, and during the 80s, musicians were experimenting with gender norms.

The Eurythmics singer sported male clothing, The flamboyant singer wore feminine outfits, and musical acts such as popular ensembles featured members who were openly gay.

I desired his lean physique and sharp haircut, his defined jawline and male chest. I aimed to personify the Bowie's Berlin period

During the nineties, I spent my time riding a motorbike and wearing androgynous clothing, but I went back to femininity when I opted for marriage. My spouse transferred our home to the United States in 2007, but when the union collapsed I felt an undeniable attraction returning to the masculinity I had earlier relinquished.

Since nobody challenged norms as dramatically as David Bowie, I decided to use some leisure time during a summer trip visiting Britain at the gallery, hoping that possibly he could provide clarity.

I was uncertain specifically what I was seeking when I entered the show - possibly I anticipated that by losing myself in the richness of Bowie's gender experimentation, I might, as a result, encounter a hint about my personal self.

Quickly I discovered myself positioned before a modest display where the film clip for "the iconic song" was playing on repeat. Bowie was strutting his stuff in the front, looking sharp in a dark grey suit, while off to one side three supporting vocalists in feminine attire gathered around a microphone.

Unlike the performers I had witnessed firsthand, these characters failed to move around the stage with the confidence of natural performers; rather they looked unenthused and frustrated. Placed in secondary positions, they were chewing and expressed annoyance at the tedium of it all.

"Those words, boys always work it out," Bowie sang cheerfully, appearing ignorant to their diminished energy. I felt a brief sensation of understanding for the accompanying performers, with their pronounced make-up, ill-fitting wigs and restrictive outfits.

They seemed to experience as uncomfortable as I did in women's clothes - frustrated and eager, as if they were yearning for it all to end. At the moment when I recognized my alignment with three individuals presenting as female, one of them ripped off her wig, wiped the makeup from her face, and showed herself to be ... Bowie! Revelation. (Naturally, there were further David Bowies as well.)

Right then, I was absolutely sure that I aimed to remove everything and transform like Bowie. I wanted his narrow hips and his defined hairstyle, his defined jawline and his male chest; I sought to become the slim-silhouetted, Bowie's German period. However I was unable to, because to truly become Bowie, first I would require being a man.

Coming out as homosexual was a different challenge, but personal transformation was a much more frightening outlook.

It took me further time before I was prepared. During that period, I tried my hardest to become more masculine: I abandoned beauty products and discarded all my women's clothing, trimmed my tresses and began donning men's clothes.

I altered how I sat, modified my gait, and adopted new identifiers, but I stopped short of surgical procedures - the potential for denial and second thoughts had caused me to freeze with apprehension.

Once the David Bowie show completed its global journey with a presentation in the American metropolis, following that period, I revisited. I had experienced a turning point. I was unable to continue acting to be a person I wasn't.

Positioned before the same video in 2018, I knew for certain that the issue wasn't about my clothing, it was my body. I wasn't simply a tomboy; I was a feminine man who'd been in costume all his life. I wanted to transform myself into the man in the sharp suit, moving in the illumination, and now I realized that I had the capacity to.

I made arrangements to see a medical professional not long after. It took further time before my personal journey finished, but not a single concern I worried about materialized.

I maintain many of my traditional womanly traits, so individuals frequently misidentify me for a homosexual male, but I'm comfortable with that outcome. I desired the liberty to experiment with identity as Bowie had - and now that I'm comfortable in my body, I have that capacity.